good morning heartache

+turns out I am a teenage girl
+me and steve bonding time
+nail polish that's lasted more than three days
+laundry yay
+o.o.t.d.
+dirty mirrors
+unkempt hair

Oh. Hey there. Don't mind me. Killing time like a pro. 
BYU vs U of U. Cool. Go cougs...
I am not there. Because I prefer to listen to Billie and Etta and eat terrible Pinterest recipes. Cool.
Today has been filled with panic attacks and mediocre sandwiches.

Such is life.

Watched Blair Witch with A. It was terrible.
Watched Repeaters with myself. It was wonderful.
Watched Pet Sematary with my bed. It was terrifying.

XOXO
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vulnerability number one

I don't like thinking about the rats in Animal Science. Or the boy who always picked them up for us. He resembled a rat. And the boy who loved to watch the snakes eat baby mice resembled a snake. And then he started working at Subway and didn't recognize me. I somehow developed a crush on him, but just a mini-one. A one tenth of one. I think it was sort of a Stockholm effect sort of crush.

I don't like thinking about what it would be like to make out with a bald headed man. Or just a man in general. Because now that's what's available to me. Men. Like, returned missionary men. Early twenties men. I don't even know how to interact with them. It's not safe anymore to treat all my relationships for what they are: temporary. Now that can hurt someone else, or even myself. Now I have to weigh options and be picky and be logical and be vulnerable and be open to people caring about me in the real way.

I don't like thinking about what will happen if I don't get into the University of Washington. I don't know what else I'd do. I don't know what other school I'd attend. Or where I'd live. Or how I'd like it. Or how'd I would cope with the rejection of my dream since age 12.

I don't like thinking about flying over oceans. I hate open water. And the thought of that being my infinite end just makes my stomach turn. I paint the picture of the music video for At The Bottom Of Everything, but we all know death isn't that beautiful.

I don't like thinking about what I'm doing in this moment. I prefer to be thinking ahead at all times, that way I am always prepared and always have a plan. If I don't have a plan, it's hard to breathe and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.

I don't like thinking about all the people in the world. Especially the ones who are stuck. The ones who are abused and raped and uneducated. I don't like acknowledging that I can't help them. Their lives will end in tragedy and there's nothing I can do about it. Kids will commit suicide and get into drugs and throw all their potential down the drain. They will be depressed and cut themselves and never learn they are loved. And all of that will never change. Not until humanity changes, at least. Which won't happen. So, basically people are going to continue ruining other people's lives and other people are going to let their lives be ruined by people; and that's just the way it is.

I don't like thinking about all those questions I have for people I care about. I'm never going to ask them. They are never going to even know I know enough to ask. We will live in this strange stage of one-sided knowledge until I crack. Or someone else cracks and the knowledge becomes public. I'm not one for secrets and all of these are really starting to bother me.

I don't like thinking about those things.

your magic's real so why aren't you using it

he never will be anything but a boy at the bar

There is officially nothing left to photograph in my room. I guess I've gotta start taking my camera places again.

Back in the day, my thought process was this:
that male looks interesting
from my SFA (stalk from afar) i've gathered he is a non-douche
i would like him to contribute to my life
*start conversation*

Now in the day, my thought process is this:
that male looks interesting
he's probably married
*ring check*
he's probably engaged
*desktop check*
he probably has a serious girlfriend who just isn't his background because he prefers savoring her face for special moments and chose extreme sports as his desktop because that isn't as special to him
ok maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend
i am a freshman so he wouldn't date me
i don't even know how to speak with men
he's a man
i have to date men now
unless i date premies (pre-missionaries)
but i don't want to, so i am going to speak with this male
*male speaks incredibly intelligent sentence containing the words "tolstoy" and "society" and adjusts his glasses*
.......
.......
.......
i need to get educated
i am a child here

That's honestly the only way I can describe it. I've come to the conclusion I am scared of people now. I avoid eye contact when walking opposite directions. I sit in the back row. I read my Stephen King at all times.

It's almost creepy.

You know what though? These people aren't that scary. And when I really think about it, I've met some great people. There's Avery from Michigan in Psych 101. He had a great handshake and conversation. Oh, not to mention the goth before that. There was Roller Blade Boy in Current Social Problems. He had great hair and was awkward, but nice. The Ideal Husband. Daniel in Book of Mormon. The Swedish Fish Asian in Geology. Natalie in Sculpture. 

I mean, all of those people were very friendly. I think our problem is we want people to come 100%. And people aren't going to come 100%. I mean, I'm definitely not going to go 100% for anyone. Unless they can sing like Amy Winehouse or look like Adam Brody.

I know it's stupid, but I need to work on EYE CONTACT. I never make it. Never. Especially not with strangers, which is like, the sign that you are allowing someone to talk to you. If you walk in a room and there are two empty seats, you are more likely to sit next to the girl who is looking at you than the girl who is reading Stephen King in the corner. That's just a fact.

And I'm not trying to say that I'm desperate for more meaningless interactions, I'm just trying to say that I should try. I mean, the majority of the friendships I have right now would have never happened if I wouldn't have taken some initiative.

So, friday's goals:
+make eye contact when passing strangers, if it's necessary (editors note: Complete.)
+don't be a loser (editor's note: One quarter complete.)
+friendly hostess (editor's note: Apparently that job was just "trying me out" for ten hours. I still don't know if I got it. Weirdness of the world.)
+eat a hostess cupcake (editor's note: I discovered grocery shopping is from hell. Needless to say, no hostess pastries have been consumed.)
+make a new friend at the rooftop (editor's note: I didn't get to go. I was being "tried out". I hate humans.)
+check out what the muse after party is all about (editor's note: Oh hey. Yeah, I didn't go to this either. Instead we chatted at my friend's apartment and then went to Cafe West and talked on the benches. It was quite enjoyable.)

Yay. That's it. In all reality, Stephen King is just a wonderful writer. Go grab yoself a copy of "'salem's Lot". And while you're at it, please explain to me why it has an apostrophe in front of the "s".

XOXO
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E

i'm loving him a little bit more each day

+Station 22
+open mic night at Muse

I've got nothing profound to write today.

I watched some Felicity and ate a soft pretzel.
I drank some Diet Coke and ate Jalapeno Cheetos just like the HSD. (High School Days).
I bonded with Trixie and spoke with my mother.
Other than that, my human interaction was fairly limited.

I'm off to classes tomorrow. Let the social experiments begin.

XOXO
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E

P.S. The title never corresponds with the post, but it does with life. Figure it out. Winner gets a surprise package in the mail.

ghost of a good thing

I have no pictures to go along with this, and I apologize.

I've been watching a lot of Awkward. lately, and it inspires me to be more "Jenna" about my blog, which I think is a good idea. The only problem is that three people know about it, which defeats the point of it being secretive, but whatever. Honestly, at this point I don't really care. I am about to speak my mind about everything, and if that offends any of you three, I sincerely apologize. I think you are all awesome people, and I am not mad at any of you, so... yeah. Read at your own risk, I guess

I have decided that I am meant to be alone. I mean, I decided this yesterday, but I did a social activity last night and tonight, so now I'm doubting that decision. But, I don't know. It just seems like I'm always alone; at least when it comes to big things.

I think it would just be easier if I were in a place where everyone else was alone, like Seattle or Salt Lake or some other city. But, everyone here has roommates. So, it's like it's them: and then me. I don't mind though. I'm not scared of the people here. I'm scared of the people in my classes, but not the people here. 

I know it's my fault though. If I really wanted to, I could go next door to #2217 and take part in the dampened conversation I'm hearing through the wall. But, I don't want to. For some reason. If I really wanted, I could have stayed home last night and seen if the boys came over in black tie attire to play mini golf. But, instead I went to the Story Telling Festival. And shook hands with a 21 year old who asked if he "got my wrist". I don't even know what that means. I could actually hold eye contact with people I meet, and take my head out of my Stephen King on my way to class, and in the few minutes before class starts as I sit in the back row, but I don't.

So, all of this is self inflicted. Which leads me to one thought. Which side of the fence am I on? Am I just wanting to complain about not having a set group of friends? Or do I actually want a set group of friends? 

At the beginning of the summer, I sort of had one. But, that all fell apart. And you know what? I'm glad it did. I mean, I like all those people, but that friend group wasn't right. I don't drink or do drugs, and I'm not bashing anyone for doing those things, but I don't do them. Those parties aren't fun to me like they're fun to other people, and my idea of fun things aren't fun to other people like they are to me. It's just the way people work.

I feel like I need to find friends who are more like me. Who like to go to concerts at Velour and watch people dance awkwardly, and go on midnight walks, and play stupid games, and watch 2 star movies we know are going to be terrible, and make interesting foods, and do completely embarrassing things just because there is nothing else to do. I want friends who will come have dinner with me and hang out with me on the weekends and walk with me to class and meet up with me in the in-between.

The world doesn't hate me enough to withhold those people from me. So, you know what? I'm going to find them. That's my goal for this year. I am going to find a set group of friends. Like Friends or Awkward. or Dawson's Creek. We are going to have meet up places and common interests and I'll make up for all those things I missed out on in high school and junior high. 

I have the rest of forever to relish in my solitude, but I only have right now soak up my freshman-ness and make the most of this moment.

Wish me luck, world.

XOXO
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E

Riverside Avenue

+streets

+at Rockwood Bakery. 8oz chai and a cranberry orange scone. best way to start the day.

+no comment on the rest.

Well, I'm all ready for college. Bring on the awkward first conversations and empty bank accounts. I hate shaking people's hands. I feel like I've had to shake a lot of hands lately, and previously to lately I felt like it always went alright. But lately, it's just been weird. Maybe I'm not being firm enough. That could be a legit thing. I feel like the whole concept of holding someone's hand when you first meet them is strange. LOLZZZZZ remember Mr. Tumnus? From The Chronicles of Narnia? When Lucy first gets to Narnia and she holds out her hand for him to shake, "you shake it" "why?" "I don't know!!!"

That's by far the best scene in the movie. Little Lucy. What's not to love. 

I think I'm going to start watching Breaking Bad. I need a new show. I watch Pretty Little Liars, Awkward., and New Girl pretty faithfully. But, they are week to week, and I want one that has a couple seasons out already. I freaking wish The Walking Dead was on Netflix. Season two, I mean. Bawl my eyes out.

Anyways, are there any amazing television series I'm missing out on? Don't even mention Dawson's Creek. Been there, done that.

XOXO

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E

Maybe if my collarbones were defined this would work better.

So, apparently there was this huge fire and it covered the valley in smoke. 

On the way home I kept thinking of all these different lines from all these different songs. Only Ashes by Something Corporate. Grapevine Fires by Death Cab For Cutie. There's A Fire by Ok Go.

Then, I went to picnic spot to try to get some photos of it before the sunset, but by the time I got there it was too dark to really see anything. Aside from strange couples doing strange things. But, whatever.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. Then it's off to Grandma's house!! I can hardly wait. 

I'm definitely going to spend my vacation organizing all my photos in iPhoto. The dates are wrong, therefore the order is wrong. And that bothers me. 

There's nothing left to say.

XOXO
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E

"Tell me the movie stars you like and I'll tell you what you are."

Reflections from The Upstairs.

I don't understand why sadness is beautiful and why people think it's cool to drink coffee. I don't understand why Melancholia isn't a real thing and why I'm still here. 

Today was my last Monday working at the museum. Ah. I feel nothing, but I know in time I will feel something, and that makes it worth it. 

I broke my car. So, that's a super awesome way to show my independence. 

I'm off to Washington soon. 

I'm minoring in Visual Arts. Yay.

Apparently, I will be attending sports this fall. That's never happened ever. I feel like it will mainly be a project of discovering how to take awesome photos of fast moving things.

I really like those three people. I don't know why, but I'm just really feeling the love right now.

Oh, and if anyone wants to be my model for some weird photo shoots, let me know. I'm getting bored. 

XOXO
- - - - -
E

One panic attack away from happiness.

+white mocha with raspberry from Juice 'N Java
+local artwork
+mountains on campus
+creepy cages in the basement of my future home
+best of friends and future roomies

"Do you think it's possible to do something without knowing why you're doing it?"

"People drink to cover up what they want."

"It's like when you do things in a dream, and it frightens you because you didn't think that's who you are, but, it's you. Even in a dream it's still you."

I definitely just stole all those from the current episode of Pretty Little Liars I'm watching. Except no boy is giving me his jacket. I feel like teenage boys never even wear jackets to begin with. Teen angsttttt. That's alright, we will wait for suit coats, right!?!?!

I think I'm going to buy a white dress this winter. 
What do you think? 

Oh, and it's never unintentional.

XOXO
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E

I can't decide if I'm a cynical romantic, or a romantic cynic.

I wrote this in my head earlier, but I forgot what the topic was.

I don't even know anymore. I guess this is just cool, because I'm winning at Risk and it all happened in one turn. I don't care about the Olympics either, and apparently that's un-American. I'm going to miss Megan and Curtis. They are truly great people. My experience at Beans and Brews was a great one. Cross your fingers my coffee shop transition will work out. 

I sincerely hope that people learn how to act at cafes, for the sanity of the future generation. Please, help us avoid saying the following phrases: "What kind of chips would you like?" "What size would you like?" "We don't have tacos, it's a taco salad." "Would you like Dasani or Smartwater?" "The fountain drinks are right over there."

I just wish I had Photoshop CS6 for reals and a Diet Coke with lime and maybe some chocolate as well. I'm not on my period, but I'm just discovering those are the best three things in world, and it's probably because I can hold them in my hands. Who knew tangibility could be so satisfying? Ha. Ha. Ha. I should probably insert a Roark reference here, but I'm no where close to being the perfect human and neither are you. Ask me why? (Why?) We are actual humans and actually feel, and as much as I can appreciate what Ayn Rand was trying to say, I just feel like maybe he's a little too robotic. Remember, metal doesn't get you anything except for like, a weird rust farm, and I'd much rather grow pumpkins.

This is getting weird and it's probably because I am really getting at nothing here, and I think that's just the greatest thing in the world.

XOXO
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E

Are you running to or are you running from? Oh, and some photos from India.

Maybe it's both, ya know?

Who's to say that I can't run from something and run to something at the same time? Who's to say you can't either? I mean, if Jen Lindley can wear those pajamas in every episode, anything is possible.

See you later, American Fork. Please, don't follow me.
See you soon, Seattle. Please, make it a good one.




XOXO
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E