I Repent Nothing

I posted this on my Instagram before I changed my theme again haha. So, now I feel like it's ok to post here even though some of you may have already seen it.

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I was thinking today about how sometimes there is someone who looks like you but isn't related to you. It made me think about how many people are in the world right now. Like there are so many people, but it's nothing compared to how many people have been in the world total, over all of time. Like somewhere in the midst of all those people, there has to be a twin for everyone. Like what are the odds of having like 107 billion people ever existing, and all of them looking different? Idk but I want to meet my twin and see how close she is to me.

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Ok also I am reading this book called Station Eleven and it's so good. It's a good story, but also it has these beautiful little nuggets of writing that I just feel connected to. I read a paragraph today on the train home that I felt like adaquately describes my feelings on moving out of my home state of Utah to New York City. It says, "That place was so small. Everyone knew me, not because I was special or anything, just because everyone knew everyone, and the claustrophobia of that, I can't tell you. I just wanted some privacy. For as long as I could remember I just wanted to get out, and then I got to Toronto and no one knew me. Toronto felt like freedom."

I just love that, ya know? It's so beautiful to me. I love the idea of living outside of Utah because I just feel free. I remember flying back into Utah one time and all I could think of was the phrase, "Like a dog in a cage." I feel like it's a constant struggle between me wanting to start my own traditions with Jake because we are married and adults vs other people wanting us to be a part of their traditions. It really stresses me out to have to say no to people and disappoint them, but it also stresses me out to feel like I can never execute my holiday ideas that I've been waitings years to do. I guess I had this idea that I would get married and have kids and host Christmas dinner and have Halloween parties, and I just feel like I can't be the hostess in Utah, ya know? We know so many people there who are always doing so many things. Like I am always a guest somewhere, I'm always on someone else's schedule, someone else's time. I think that's fine sometimes, like visiting for holidays, but for a long term lifestyle, I need to know that I can host my own holidays and not have to turn away so many invitations to events.

Idk, I guess I am just a really independent and private person. I know it may not seem that way after all I've just shared, but I do like my privacy. I like knowing that I can go to the grocery store here and not see anyone I know. I like knowing that no one will be knocking on my door. I like how little my coworkers care about what I'm doing. New Yorkers are the perfect personality for me because they literally don't care what anyone does. I finally feel like I am free to live my life and be who I am without guilt, judgment, or worries about people talking behind my back.

Anyway, I do miss our family and friends at times, but I am also loving this chapter of our lives where it is just us, completely on our own. We're relying 100% on each other and we have all of our days to ourselves. It just feels nice.

It feels like I've finally been let out of my cage and have discovered that I'm not a dog after all, I'm a wolf. And I'm just now discovering what that means.

XOXO

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