I was there once.

I'll just tremble in the mean time and drown in these humans.

"And he knew he'd been dead for a while" -some painting at Muse Music

Let's all be empty together. Let's all be empty and swap our stories of mental breakdowns and pretend like we learned something.

Like when you told me about the time you smoked weed, or when I watched you get drunk, or when you turned into a whore, or when you went back to your pre-rehab state. Let's pretend like those things actually changed you. We know they were supposed to have some impact, but we just can't decided what impact it had. I know what I want it to be, and you know what you want it to be. I don't know if those are the same things, though. 
And now? You're faking it. You're faking it with each person you talk to and with each person you become. You're spending all your money on masks that no one likes. You don't need them, because your face isn't a skeleton. Your face is flesh. And putting a flesh mask on a flesh face just doesn't make any sense. You're not dead and no matter how hard you try to be empty, you're just going to keep filling yourself up. It's how humans are.

So, go ahead and rip your chest open so I can see your favorite cave. Shove your ribless emptiness into my face. Convince me that you are incapable of love. Tell me you deserve to be alone. Make sure I know there's no emotional connection. Cry alone in your room, because you think no one cares. Push everyone away and call it commitment issues when really you just don't care about anyone, because you're too wrapped up in yourself. Do all of those things. It doesn't matter to me.

You look good tonight and so does the sunset. The sunset is always beautiful, and if you can't count on anything else, count on that, would you? The world isn't as ugly as you make it. Yeah, those people we talked about once really do suck. A lot of people really do suck. But, you don't and I don't. We're all pretty great. So, stop condemning humanity, would you?

No one is going to hike to see your cave of emptiness. The mountain is made of sand and not the most stable thing in the world. So, come down and meet us halfway, would you?

The truth is: No one is going to buy you a wall. No one is going to leave a hand made get well card on your porch. No one is going to show up spontaneously with chocolate when your'e having a bad day. No one is going to write a song about you. No one is going to tap on your window at 3 a.m.. No one. Not one person is going to do any of those things. Because, Rejection won the fight against Adorable and Heartfelt and Confident. No one knows where the losers went, either. Probably to Dawson's Creek and Hollywood's greatest directors.

Three words: Jen Lindley's pajamas

Here's some people I hung out with once.
We had an impromptu picnic.
It was enjoyable.

I'm sorry, but I really can't write about anything but Dawson's Creek at this point. (Zoey, where are you when I need you?!?!?!) I'm a fan. I'm a huge fan. I love Pacey more than ever. No reason. I just love him.

I just wish real life was like Dawson's Creek.

No one surprise visits people these days. Or cooks them meals. Or gives them adorable get well presents on their door steps. Or chases after girls who are obviously not into them.

WHY?! WHY, WORLD, WHY?!?! THE WORLD IS SO PERFECT!! WHY DIDN'T KEVIN WILLIAMSON CREATE MY LIFE?!?!

Teen angst. All up in here. Flowing. Everywhere.
Anyways. I've got some things to finish. Including the fifth season.

Farewell, my dear, dear friends. It's been lovely. It really has been. Please, make life like Dawson's Creek. You'll thank me later.



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E

Thanks for breaking the curse.

You know, I'll admit. I hold teenage boys on a pretty low level. (Because they deserve it, what?)

I used to have this belief (and still do, to a point) that teenage boys are only friends with girls to get something (if you know what I mean). And, if after three months (in my experience) you have not given them anything, they will friend dump you. But, I guess I should probably clarify I'm talking about the boys you hang out with every day and are best friends with. Those are the ones who friend dump you if you haven't given them anything after three months.  

Anyways, so, yes. That's my belief. My belief that has been fed stronger by all these teenage boys. 

However, I have one, and exactly one friend who has given me a little faith in this species. He has been my friend since summer 2010 when I slapped my number on his chest at the only stake dance I have ever been to. My one-night-only-friend and I led them around the city by leaving clues for them at various locations, as to where to go next. It ended at Wal-Mart where we gave them a deck of Pokemon cards.

We spent the night in my van talking. We went to Win-Co around 6 a.m., but didn't even buy anything. And, that, my friends, is how the friendship started.

It's sort of weird to me, being friends with someone for that long. Especially on such random circumstances, but, I'm really glad it's happened, because no one can talk sense into me, or stop me from freaking out like he can.

I guess I'm just a mess right now and having trouble breathing, so instead of learning how to clean and breathe, I'm insisting on being nastalgic. But, that isn't so bad now, is it?

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Yay for two years of friendship with awesome people who deserve it!!

I'm not your wonderwall, but you don't really need saving now, do you?

I feel like blogging about my days is pointless, because I'm pretty sure only one person reads this. But, there isn't really anything else to blog about, considering I'm done with the whole anonymous addressing thing. I feel like that just gets messy, ya know? People are always thinking things are about them when they're not, and when they are about someone, it turns out they don't even know your blog url. But, I got kissed in the end, so it turned out alright.

Anyways. These photos are from foreverrrrrrrrr ago. (Reality check: a week or two.) A giant and I attended the Salt Lake arts festival. It was quite enjoyable. I don't even know where to start, as far as artist are concerned. 

There was a man named Blake Palmer who had a painting called Red Cloud. It's a shame though, because I can't find it anywhere on his website, or on the internet. Also, I didn't even write the quote down, so I can't tell you what it said. I bought the most adorable mug from Barbara Schaecher, though. It's formed pefectly for the hand!! She had a great selection of mugs, and all of them were perfect. Buy some. But all of them. Your hot drinks will thank you. As will your hands. There was a booth by Shawn Harris and all of his pieces were 3D. It was super interesting. He said he used three programs to make them, one of which was Photoshop. Yay for Photoshop! I almost liked the way they looked without the glasses better, though. Either way, they were pear haps the most interesting of the night. 3D never fails to blow my mind. The artist was a very cool man as well. He had a beard and modeled for my favorite piece of his. It was him in a fish bowl wearing a childs blow up tube. I challenge you to find it. IT IS SO GREAT. Tanya Doskova was also really interesting. All of her paintings were symbolic. I think that all paintings are symbolic, but hers actually had explanations. There was this one that was like, a metaphor for the twenty first century. It was absolute craziness, haha. This painting of Gabe Leonard's was one of my favorites. The first one, of the woman smoking.

But, I'm not going to lie. My heart was stolen at booth 12. Kendra Baird. I can't even breathe. Her paintings are PHENOMENAL. The dripping, the umbrellas, the fading. I just... gahhhhh. I can't even handle it. Into The Rain is going to be the first original I purchase. Except, I'm pretty sure it's already sold. Regardless, it was the most beautiful piece at the whole festival. Congratulations, Kendra. You have earned the #2 spot on my list of favorite paintings.

Anyways, I feel like I'm done with that rant. We got some fries and ate them while listening to spoken word. They were not my taste, at first. Super lovey dovey. Although, there was one line that I absolutely loved. "I'll make you beautiful, because I'm not." Isn't that gorgeous? I love it. Then, she performed some darker ones, which I loved, of course. "She is drinking me" was one of my favorite lines. I wish she had videos on youtube, or something, so you could watch for yourself, but whatever.

Anyways, that's pretty much it. Go to the arts festival next year, it's a real great thing. 

I'm off to bed. Tomorrow is my last day of work, before my day off. I MADE IT THROUGH 17 DAYS OF WORK. I almost can't believe I'm still living. But, it would appear I am. 

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"I just wish I cried at beautiful things."

-L.L.

we're ghosts, but we just don't know it yet.

I'm falling asleep as I write this.

And I don't know why I'm running.

another day

These are the people I associate with, as of late. 

I'm quite fond of them all, really.

How ironic is it I finally get a friend group now that I'm out of high school.

Is that irony? I struggle with applying irony to everyday situations. Also, just in general.

Anyways, I love all these people and wish I could turn them into little chocolate figurines to keep with me at all times and then when it gets hot and they melt we can make chocolate milk and drink it on the lawn while chatting about things that matter for once because sometimes it's better than at night but only if you're with people who matter and they all do so it would work out great.

I'm annoying right now. Sorry. These late nights are wonderful though, and most definitely worth the four hours of sleep.





Don't search for blue your whole life through.

In the mean time.

I guess I'm just hoping we'll all communicate.

I'm hoping that you'll ask me on an actual date, if you like me. And, maybe you'll kiss me somewhere original, because everyone hates being door stepped, and a car isn't much better. Oh, and while you're at it, stay solid; literally. Won't you? And maybe let's go camping on the west coast, because we can if we want and we're super cool.

I'm hoping that you'll stop asking me questions I don't want to answer. Because, I think that's your problem. I think you ask questions, but you never answer them. You never answer them for yourself, at least. That's why you're like this, you know. Stop asking everyone and ask yourself instead. Or at least try it. I mean, REALLY try it. Don't just half ass it, because you think you can buy time.

I'm hoping that you'll turn out great, because I think you could do real great things if you really wanted to. I think you could get a real great girl and live in a real great house and eat real great food, if you wanted to. But, maybe you don't want to and that's where all the conflict arises from. So, stop lying to everyone, maybe?

I'm hoping that you'll feel better. Not that I think you feel bad in the first place, but things can be hard sometimes, and we all understand that. You're really a cool person, you know. And, I don't mean that in the junior high way. You're actually a cool person. You're going to change things, if you want. If you really care, that is. Which, I can tell you do, actually. Not just because of the green leaves, but because of your laugh.

I'm hoping that you'll stay really amazing. With your hair being the way it is, and your nick name being what it is. You're just, great. I hope you know that, and I hope you know that other people know that as well. You're a keeper, but only to people who deserve it. Ok? Don't forget any of that, ok? Because, I'll never say it to your face.

I'm hoping that you'll stay this way, except you'll change. Because, you're on the fence. You really are. You're a phony, and you know it. You're working at nothing and you're playing with people, because they are temporary. That doesn't mean they don't have feelings, though. Oh, and you have to break the cycle. But, you will. You know you will. So, make sure everything stays solid and you'll be just fine.

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Oh, and one last thing. Make sure you don't talk about this, ok? This, I mean, THIS. Make sure you don't ask me about it and tell me what you think. I will lie. I honestly will.

So, my computer has decided to not let the internet work anymore.

It's actually really sad, because I actually have photos to post now. I have photos from Subway and photos from the housewarming party.

I've been hanging out with incredibly awesome people lately.

I'll keep trying, because it needs to work at some point. Hopefully, before college. That would be a disaster.

Anyways, that's all I really have to say.

Farewell.