I wrote this whole post about Utah but then deleted it because of #*OtHeRs*FeELiNgS*. (Shout out to Riley Jo.)
If there's one thing I've learned in my 19 years in Utah it's this: People who love Utah, LOVE UTAH. By trying to find validation and comfort with my Utah struggle I've somehow ended up offending people or being lectured. People don't want to listen to some girl talk about how she doesn't like it here. OF COURSE THEY ARE GOING TO BE OFFENDED, EMILY. Really, it's my bad. I should have known. If I want someone currently living in Utah to agree with me on this I should probably go buy a brick at Home Depot and paint a face on it.
I'm still struggling with living here and still seeking validation and comfort. Some days are better than others. Some days I look at the paper chain countdown I made (breakdowns call for desperate measures haha) and I'm like "NEW YORK IS SO FAR AWAY I AM LITERALLY TRAPPED HERE FOREVER." But, I guess what's another 6 months when I've been waiting to move for 4 years. In the mean time, I'll just try to survive without offending too many Utah loving hearts ;)
I wish they made pills you could take that could make you fit in with everyone else. #personalitypills. It's so easy for me to get depressed at how different I am from those around me. I'm liberal, introverted, and not satisfied with living here. Those three things alone can make me feel like an alien if I let it. Especially if I don't communicate effectively with others about what I need in order to feel loved and respected. But, in the end, I just need to be an adult and say, "I've done lots of social things and I just want to spend time alone." Or, "Let us not speak about politics, ever." Haha. It's not like people would break down in tears if I decided to be a real person with them. Like how are they supposed to know if I don't tell them? #aintnomindreader. People are good and understanding. They just want me to be happy. But I can't be happy if I don't effectively communicate with them what I need in order to be happy.
This is turning into a weird therapy thing, so I guess I'll go. Sometimes it's nice to just start typing and let the mind go where it goes. I didn't think I thought about this a lot, but if it popped out in this post then apparently it's something that weighs on my mind.
XOXO
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Ooooohhhh girl, I feel you on this. Hardcore. Not about Utah, but about where I grew up: Portland (as in Oregon). People think I'm CRAZY for not liking it there. But I just...DON'T. I hated living there as a kid and I hate visiting so much that every time I do it I vow to never return. The second-to-last time I made that vow (summer 2013) I was serious. But then I split with my husband (during that trip, actually) and wanted to bring my girlfriend to meet my parents, so I caved and we went, along with my kids, this past summer. It was...shitty. I mean, I love that my parents saw my kids and met my gf and blahblahblah, but I just couldn't stand a single second of being there.
ReplyDeleteI don't fit in with anything there and it never felt like somewhere I belonged. It's hard to reconcile when the city I'm from is like, super trendy and a place that everyone wants to go and has made to be this super amazing place. Which I guess it is. It's beautiful and cool and whatever, but it's just not for me.
So yeah. You're not alone in not feeling like you belong where you are. AND GOOD FOR YOU FOR ACTING ON IT AND MOVING TO SOMEWHERE YOU WANT TO BE!
I packed up my bags and left Portland on Nov.. 8, 2005. My daughter was exactly 6 months old (her half birthday is Nov. 8). I was 19. I boarded a one-way flight with my baby and a suitcase and moved to D.C. No job, no place to live, no car, no nothing. By the new year I was working full-time as a mortgage loan processor and had my own place. Within 6 months I'd saved enough to have my car shipped out here. It's been a long struggle, but 10 years later I'm still here. Best decision ever to up and leave and go where I felt was home, even though I'd never been here prior to moving here.
A teeny bit more here: http://www.kelseyespecially.com/2015/11/a-decade-in-dc-and-donuts-for-breakfast/
LOVE THIS STORY. That's so funny you hate Portland because you're right! Everyone thinks it's the greatest! I'm glad you can relate to me on this though. Thanks for commenting and making me feel happy!
DeleteI know a little about how you feel, and it's the worst. A few months after we moved to Grenada, I went to a pool day where there were lots of other med student wives. I was struggling with homesickness and hating Grenada hardcore at the time, and there was another girl there who was brand new to the island and she was struggling too. She started talking about some of the things she was hating about Grenada at the moment, and this other girl (bless her heart, I think she just wanted everyone to be happy) slammed the first girl so hard. She completely cut her off and basically said, "Well I just love this place and everyone else should too. We all need to just have positive attitudes and then everything will be peachy." And anytime somebody mentioned anything they were struggling with about Grenada, they got cut off by this girl who absolutely refused to hear anything negative.
ReplyDeleteI could understand where she was coming from (fake it til you make it and all), but it peeved me so bad because I could tell that the first girl just needed to vent and have someone say to her, "I know how you feel, and it sucks." But no one had the courage to give her a little empathy because we were all too scared of the second girl.
So anyway, all that to say, I love Utah and so I can understand why people would be upset when you don't. But I also understand how badly it sucks to be stuck in a place you don't want to be and want to move somewhere else. Props to you for making your dreams happen, and I'm so excited for NYC blog posts from you next year! Hang in there girl--something new is just around the corner!
Yeah, it's always a good social skill to be able to validate someone without agree with them... and also to not shame people for having negative emotions haha. If I got cut off by that girl I would have told her to go home and get real about life hahahahaha
DeleteIt's so easy to feel like you don't fit in, (I'm always on the brink of becoming a hermit) but I hope you know how admired and appreciated you are.
ReplyDeleteTHANKS STEPHANIE. You are the nicest
DeleteI guess when people say they hate Utah. I'm always a little confused on exactly what they mean. Like do they hate the geography? The people? The culture? Their own living situation? The lack of a huge city? Or the lack of the beach and ocean? Like what exactly do they hate about it? I hate the smog in the winter and the sometimes 100 degree weather in the summer, traffic on I-15, and some of our "Utah" laws.
ReplyDeleteFrom reading in-between the lines of your post, to me it sounds like you feel you're surrounded by republican/mormons and it's suffocating to you. That's fair. (I think i'd feel that way too if I went to byu.)
But I have to tell you - I moved from Spanish Fork to Salt Lake City, and to me, the two places felt completely different. The people are different, the vibe is different, I'd even say the culture of the two "cities" are different.
I also think you'd be surprised how many people feel isolated and alone because they don't feel like they fit in with their community. No matter where you live, those feelings of not-fitting-in can sneak up on you, so it's important to find people you can trust and relate to.
I guess the point of this is to say that you are not alone, and you that you are valid in your feelings. No matter what other people say or think. xoxo
Haha yeah I think my opinions don't really align with most people around me. I'm also not big on the outdoors and am more of a city girl. Not to mention I am really independent and sometimes that makes it hard here too haha.
DeleteI love love love Salt Lake. I think if I lived there it would make me feel better in a few categories, but there are some Utah things you just can't espcape without leaving the state hahahahaha.
i'm glad you posted this! don't worry about offending ppl. i mean, you know how i feel about utah, but it's so silly of people to get offended. people like different places for different reasons.
ReplyDeletelike Candace commented here, i think you would be surprised how many people feel like they dont fit in. like, living in the bay area is kinda heavy for me sometimes. i get treated differently here because i'm so young and married, and i dont drink alcohol. it seems like such a small thing, but it's really socially isolating here. in my industry out here drinking is kinda the glue that holds everyone together. in a lot of ways i feel like i've been reduced down to a weird, awkward, shy version of myself... totally different than how i used to be. at work my higher-ups will have these private conversations with me to make sure i'm "coming out of my shell" enough. and it just makes me sad because i swear i used to be friendly and funny and people actually liked being around me! haha anyway. this is also turning into a therapy session. i swear it's not all bad! i do love it here in general!
MY POINT is that you aren't alone in feeling different and "alien", and good on you for doing something about it and making those plans to move. you're gonna kill it in NYC.
Exactly!!! I know, I think I need to be more positive because I'm going to feel like an alien anywhere if I let myself. I think it's mainly just only having lived in one place is the worst. I think if anyone lived in one place their whole lives (even if it was somewhere cool like Paris or London) would hate it and want to get out haha. At least that's what I've gathered from peoples stories and comments haha!
DeleteI love that sentiment about being real because people aren't mind readers and they won't break down in tears if you are real. Haha it's awesome :) and true! Definitely be who you are, because it's cool! And if people don't think it's cool, they probably weren't that cool to begin with :)
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY. Thanks Ashley!
DeleteI'm so excited for you to move to New York. I can't imagine living in Utah for my whole life. I wonder what kind of person I would be if that were the case! Haha... I don't want to think about it....
ReplyDeleteAre these people who say how much they adore Utah natives or people that have moved there from somewhere else? It's so common for a person who has lived one place their whole life to want to GET OUT and experience something new and exciting. That's how a lot of the kids in my high school were, and we were in Southern California. Not necessarily bad for them to feel that way, just kinda funny since so many people dream of living there.
Hahah you would be very different, for sure.
DeleteI think it's both. Some people have moved out and come back, so they feel like they know how I feel but want to tell me how it isn't better out there. But you can't really tell someone that because it's something they have to experience and decided on for themselves ya know?
I love that everyone in southern california wanted to get out hahahahaha.
I'm so happy that you are able to have the opportunity to move to New York. I've been one of those people who enjoys visiting Utah to see old friends, but could never EVER live there. No offence to anyone reading who loves Utah, frankly it's just not my jam. I find that people are stuck in this bubble and have such tunnel vision. I don't consider myself a "liberal mormon" (I'm pretty old-fashioned in a lot of ways), but I hope that I can at least respect other people's views and feelings. I feel that if you don't act or think a certain way people in Utah alienate and shame you, which is so ridiculous!!!
ReplyDeleteAs my husband says: "Mormons are like manure. If they're spread out evenly the effects are great. But when they are stuck in one place, it's just a load of crap." Can't wait for all the experiences you and your husband will share in New York. I feel like you are just going to blossom once you're there!!! <3 <3
EXACTLY. I love that quote so much. I told it to some people at work and we literally lol-ed. I don't know if the alienating and shaming in Utah is on purpose, but when everyone is having a conversation and you're the only one who disagrees with their opinions it can sure feel that way hahahhaha
DeleteOh my gosh!! That quote is literally the best!!
DeleteI struggled so much in the short 6 months I lived in Utah and it was ultimately the reason I moved back to Vegas even though I was leaving behind the best job in the world. I was living in Kanab which was smaller than small and I was so overly homesick and felt completely isolated from everyone that I just couldn't take it anymore. Utah is beautiful and as much as I loved the outdoorsy stuff... Being an hour and a half away from a Starbucks and any sign of normal city life couldn't compete. If it had been in SLC or even Cedar City, I probably would have felt more at home. Hang in there. There's plenty of us "Utahan's" (is that what they are called?) , brief or long term, who understand and feel that pain!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHHA. Yeah, I'm not a small town girl either. Thanks for your comment!!
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