I wrote this whole post about Utah but then deleted it because of #*OtHeRs*FeELiNgS*. (Shout out to Riley Jo.)
If there's one thing I've learned in my 19 years in Utah it's this: People who love Utah, LOVE UTAH. By trying to find validation and comfort with my Utah struggle I've somehow ended up offending people or being lectured. People don't want to listen to some girl talk about how she doesn't like it here. OF COURSE THEY ARE GOING TO BE OFFENDED, EMILY. Really, it's my bad. I should have known. If I want someone currently living in Utah to agree with me on this I should probably go buy a brick at Home Depot and paint a face on it.
I'm still struggling with living here and still seeking validation and comfort. Some days are better than others. Some days I look at the paper chain countdown I made (breakdowns call for desperate measures haha) and I'm like "NEW YORK IS SO FAR AWAY I AM LITERALLY TRAPPED HERE FOREVER." But, I guess what's another 6 months when I've been waiting to move for 4 years. In the mean time, I'll just try to survive without offending too many Utah loving hearts ;)
I wish they made pills you could take that could make you fit in with everyone else. #personalitypills. It's so easy for me to get depressed at how different I am from those around me. I'm liberal, introverted, and not satisfied with living here. Those three things alone can make me feel like an alien if I let it. Especially if I don't communicate effectively with others about what I need in order to feel loved and respected. But, in the end, I just need to be an adult and say, "I've done lots of social things and I just want to spend time alone." Or, "Let us not speak about politics, ever." Haha. It's not like people would break down in tears if I decided to be a real person with them. Like how are they supposed to know if I don't tell them? #aintnomindreader. People are good and understanding. They just want me to be happy. But I can't be happy if I don't effectively communicate with them what I need in order to be happy.
This is turning into a weird therapy thing, so I guess I'll go. Sometimes it's nice to just start typing and let the mind go where it goes. I didn't think I thought about this a lot, but if it popped out in this post then apparently it's something that weighs on my mind.
XOXO
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