Meet A

There's really not much else to say.

they will see us

I think it's those people who jump on every band wagon available.

Hey, let's go thrifting and buy some cat sweaters and afterwards drink coffee and talk about how sad we are and take photos at Starbuck's so we can show everyone that we are rebelling against mormon culture and drinking coffee. Oh, and I hate this song. I liked The Naked and Famous way before they were on the radio, but ever since they've gained commercial success I've become less of a fan because they're turning into sellouts. Oh, and let's discuss politics,  because I have a really strong opinion and whatever you say opposing my view is wrong. By the way, have you read this book? Yeah? Me either. I just like to instagram it and pretend like I read, when in reality I spend my free time stalking other people's lives on Facebook so I can make sure I'm following all the current trends like the perfect little robot.

Ok. Maybe that was harsh. But, seriously. I have absolutely no problem with people who do the aforementioned things. But, only if they are doing them for themselves, not because it's "trendy". Same goes for boys who try to pretend like they are super into sports. YOU'RE NOT INTO SPORTS. YOU LIKE READING GET OVER IT.

Vise versa too. I mean, if a guy is sport, then be sporty! Don't try to be all intellectual if it's not what you're interested in. 

And girls. Girls, girls, girls, girls. Stop trying to make everyone like you. I mean, those who want you, will come to you. You don't need to pretend to understand baseball or have a vast knowledge of World of Warcraft. Go shopping or go play volleyball or whatever else it is that YOU ARE ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN. Being fake is a no bueno situation.

It's just sad that the world puts so much pressure on people that they feel the need to change who they are. I know it's cliche, but people's quirks are what makes them interesting humans. You can't be original by being like someone else, so don't try to begin with! Everyone has their qualities, and in my opinion, everyone needs to embrace them instead of shutting them up in the closet.

People want to know who we are and what we're passionate about. Not who we're trying to be.



XOXO
- - - - -

real life: a night of terrible decisions

The first woodland creature of the night. Followed by a raccoon, deer, fox, cow, and dog. Oh, and a demon. For reals.

"Quick, a car is coming"

"It's probably a killer"

Yay for friends

"We're so cute"

The only friend in Midway

Result of trekking it out in the mountain

Oh hey. We just took a five hour road trip and are back to hide a beverage.

Ok. So, Friday night:
My friend and I go to Wal-Mart.
"Should we go do it or drive for a bit?"
"Let's just drive up the canyon a ways"

(twenty minutes later)
"Should I turn left or right?"
"Right."

(ten minutes later)
"Should I turn left or right?"
"Left."

(thirty minutes later)
"We are on a dirt road."

(ten minutes later)
"I'm scared."

(ten minutes later)
"We're almost out of gas."

(ten minutes later)
"We are still in the mountain."

(ten minutes later)
"We are going to die."
(insert freak out from my friend)

(fifteen minutes later)
"I see lights."
"I'm excited to see what city we're in."

(twenty minutes later)
"Yay! We are in Midway!"

(ten minutes later)
(fill up with gas)
(keep driving)

"Oh hey, look, a freeway sign. Should we take it or go on to Woodland? It says it's in ten miles."
"Let's go to Woodland. That sounds fun."

(thirty minutes later)
"We are in a mountain again. I hate everything."
"We are going to die."
"I am going to be late for work."
"We should have turned around."
"We are idiots."
"Where in the world are we? Literally? Is this Kansas?"
"Kamas. We passed Woodland. Hey, Duchesne is in 72 miles."
"Let's just get to Hanna and then we will turn around."

(fifteen minutes later)
"This road is never ending."
"*$%!@&!!!!! I almost hit that fox!!!!!"

(twenty minutes later)
(1:13 a.m.)
(a figure on to our right)
(a woman standing by her mailbox)
(facing us)
(not moving)

"OH MY GOSH. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!?!?!"
"WE JUST SAW A DEMON. THAT WAS A DEMON."
"WHY WAS THAT LADY OUTSIDE?! WHAT WAS SHE DOING?! IT WAS A GHOST!"
"I'M SO SCARED. MY HEART IS BEATING SO FAST."
"I'M GOING TO PEE MY PANTS."
"I DON'T LIKE THIS."

(thirty minutes later)
"CELL PHONE SERVICE. PULL OVER."
"Ok. We are in the Uinta forest. Take a right and get to UT 40. It will take us back to Heber."

(4:00 a.m.)
"Good thing our neighborhood cruise just turned into a five hour road trip to the middle of nowhere."







And that's what I did with my Friday night.
Oh, and Honeycutt laid on my legs. Progress.
Oh, and over the duration of the hangout sesh and spontaneous-accidental road trip, I ate two pieces of cheese pizza, three breadsticks, three cinnamon breadsticks, and 1 liter of Dr. Pepper. Basically I'm a teenage boy.

I'm never planning a slumber party again, because three people ditch out and me and my friend end up driving to the Uintas. LOL CATZ. I don't know if stranger things happened over the summer. 

XOXO
- - - - -

the cat of s.s.

the "inquisitive"

the "non-cat-photo"

the "just-out-of-reach"

the "effort"

the "hang-in-there"

the "sneak"

the "sneak II"

the "growing up"

the "taking flight"

Oh, hello there.

Nothing much going on here, other than some photos of a friend's feline friend (alliteration? ya?).

There is clearly nothing else to address here, other than:

S.S., you are great.

XOXO
- - - - -

good morning heartache

+turns out I am a teenage girl
+me and steve bonding time
+nail polish that's lasted more than three days
+laundry yay
+o.o.t.d.
+dirty mirrors
+unkempt hair

Oh. Hey there. Don't mind me. Killing time like a pro. 
BYU vs U of U. Cool. Go cougs...
I am not there. Because I prefer to listen to Billie and Etta and eat terrible Pinterest recipes. Cool.
Today has been filled with panic attacks and mediocre sandwiches.

Such is life.

Watched Blair Witch with A. It was terrible.
Watched Repeaters with myself. It was wonderful.
Watched Pet Sematary with my bed. It was terrifying.

XOXO
- - - - -

vulnerability number one

I don't like thinking about the rats in Animal Science. Or the boy who always picked them up for us. He resembled a rat. And the boy who loved to watch the snakes eat baby mice resembled a snake. And then he started working at Subway and didn't recognize me. I somehow developed a crush on him, but just a mini-one. A one tenth of one. I think it was sort of a Stockholm effect sort of crush.

I don't like thinking about what it would be like to make out with a bald headed man. Or just a man in general. Because now that's what's available to me. Men. Like, returned missionary men. Early twenties men. I don't even know how to interact with them. It's not safe anymore to treat all my relationships for what they are: temporary. Now that can hurt someone else, or even myself. Now I have to weigh options and be picky and be logical and be vulnerable and be open to people caring about me in the real way.

I don't like thinking about what will happen if I don't get into the University of Washington. I don't know what else I'd do. I don't know what other school I'd attend. Or where I'd live. Or how I'd like it. Or how'd I would cope with the rejection of my dream since age 12.

I don't like thinking about flying over oceans. I hate open water. And the thought of that being my infinite end just makes my stomach turn. I paint the picture of the music video for At The Bottom Of Everything, but we all know death isn't that beautiful.

I don't like thinking about what I'm doing in this moment. I prefer to be thinking ahead at all times, that way I am always prepared and always have a plan. If I don't have a plan, it's hard to breathe and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.

I don't like thinking about all the people in the world. Especially the ones who are stuck. The ones who are abused and raped and uneducated. I don't like acknowledging that I can't help them. Their lives will end in tragedy and there's nothing I can do about it. Kids will commit suicide and get into drugs and throw all their potential down the drain. They will be depressed and cut themselves and never learn they are loved. And all of that will never change. Not until humanity changes, at least. Which won't happen. So, basically people are going to continue ruining other people's lives and other people are going to let their lives be ruined by people; and that's just the way it is.

I don't like thinking about all those questions I have for people I care about. I'm never going to ask them. They are never going to even know I know enough to ask. We will live in this strange stage of one-sided knowledge until I crack. Or someone else cracks and the knowledge becomes public. I'm not one for secrets and all of these are really starting to bother me.

I don't like thinking about those things.

your magic's real so why aren't you using it

he never will be anything but a boy at the bar

There is officially nothing left to photograph in my room. I guess I've gotta start taking my camera places again.

Back in the day, my thought process was this:
that male looks interesting
from my SFA (stalk from afar) i've gathered he is a non-douche
i would like him to contribute to my life
*start conversation*

Now in the day, my thought process is this:
that male looks interesting
he's probably married
*ring check*
he's probably engaged
*desktop check*
he probably has a serious girlfriend who just isn't his background because he prefers savoring her face for special moments and chose extreme sports as his desktop because that isn't as special to him
ok maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend
i am a freshman so he wouldn't date me
i don't even know how to speak with men
he's a man
i have to date men now
unless i date premies (pre-missionaries)
but i don't want to, so i am going to speak with this male
*male speaks incredibly intelligent sentence containing the words "tolstoy" and "society" and adjusts his glasses*
.......
.......
.......
i need to get educated
i am a child here

That's honestly the only way I can describe it. I've come to the conclusion I am scared of people now. I avoid eye contact when walking opposite directions. I sit in the back row. I read my Stephen King at all times.

It's almost creepy.

You know what though? These people aren't that scary. And when I really think about it, I've met some great people. There's Avery from Michigan in Psych 101. He had a great handshake and conversation. Oh, not to mention the goth before that. There was Roller Blade Boy in Current Social Problems. He had great hair and was awkward, but nice. The Ideal Husband. Daniel in Book of Mormon. The Swedish Fish Asian in Geology. Natalie in Sculpture. 

I mean, all of those people were very friendly. I think our problem is we want people to come 100%. And people aren't going to come 100%. I mean, I'm definitely not going to go 100% for anyone. Unless they can sing like Amy Winehouse or look like Adam Brody.

I know it's stupid, but I need to work on EYE CONTACT. I never make it. Never. Especially not with strangers, which is like, the sign that you are allowing someone to talk to you. If you walk in a room and there are two empty seats, you are more likely to sit next to the girl who is looking at you than the girl who is reading Stephen King in the corner. That's just a fact.

And I'm not trying to say that I'm desperate for more meaningless interactions, I'm just trying to say that I should try. I mean, the majority of the friendships I have right now would have never happened if I wouldn't have taken some initiative.

So, friday's goals:
+make eye contact when passing strangers, if it's necessary (editors note: Complete.)
+don't be a loser (editor's note: One quarter complete.)
+friendly hostess (editor's note: Apparently that job was just "trying me out" for ten hours. I still don't know if I got it. Weirdness of the world.)
+eat a hostess cupcake (editor's note: I discovered grocery shopping is from hell. Needless to say, no hostess pastries have been consumed.)
+make a new friend at the rooftop (editor's note: I didn't get to go. I was being "tried out". I hate humans.)
+check out what the muse after party is all about (editor's note: Oh hey. Yeah, I didn't go to this either. Instead we chatted at my friend's apartment and then went to Cafe West and talked on the benches. It was quite enjoyable.)

Yay. That's it. In all reality, Stephen King is just a wonderful writer. Go grab yoself a copy of "'salem's Lot". And while you're at it, please explain to me why it has an apostrophe in front of the "s".

XOXO
- - - - -
E

i'm loving him a little bit more each day

+Station 22
+open mic night at Muse

I've got nothing profound to write today.

I watched some Felicity and ate a soft pretzel.
I drank some Diet Coke and ate Jalapeno Cheetos just like the HSD. (High School Days).
I bonded with Trixie and spoke with my mother.
Other than that, my human interaction was fairly limited.

I'm off to classes tomorrow. Let the social experiments begin.

XOXO
- - - - -
E

P.S. The title never corresponds with the post, but it does with life. Figure it out. Winner gets a surprise package in the mail.

ghost of a good thing

I have no pictures to go along with this, and I apologize.

I've been watching a lot of Awkward. lately, and it inspires me to be more "Jenna" about my blog, which I think is a good idea. The only problem is that three people know about it, which defeats the point of it being secretive, but whatever. Honestly, at this point I don't really care. I am about to speak my mind about everything, and if that offends any of you three, I sincerely apologize. I think you are all awesome people, and I am not mad at any of you, so... yeah. Read at your own risk, I guess

I have decided that I am meant to be alone. I mean, I decided this yesterday, but I did a social activity last night and tonight, so now I'm doubting that decision. But, I don't know. It just seems like I'm always alone; at least when it comes to big things.

I think it would just be easier if I were in a place where everyone else was alone, like Seattle or Salt Lake or some other city. But, everyone here has roommates. So, it's like it's them: and then me. I don't mind though. I'm not scared of the people here. I'm scared of the people in my classes, but not the people here. 

I know it's my fault though. If I really wanted to, I could go next door to #2217 and take part in the dampened conversation I'm hearing through the wall. But, I don't want to. For some reason. If I really wanted, I could have stayed home last night and seen if the boys came over in black tie attire to play mini golf. But, instead I went to the Story Telling Festival. And shook hands with a 21 year old who asked if he "got my wrist". I don't even know what that means. I could actually hold eye contact with people I meet, and take my head out of my Stephen King on my way to class, and in the few minutes before class starts as I sit in the back row, but I don't.

So, all of this is self inflicted. Which leads me to one thought. Which side of the fence am I on? Am I just wanting to complain about not having a set group of friends? Or do I actually want a set group of friends? 

At the beginning of the summer, I sort of had one. But, that all fell apart. And you know what? I'm glad it did. I mean, I like all those people, but that friend group wasn't right. I don't drink or do drugs, and I'm not bashing anyone for doing those things, but I don't do them. Those parties aren't fun to me like they're fun to other people, and my idea of fun things aren't fun to other people like they are to me. It's just the way people work.

I feel like I need to find friends who are more like me. Who like to go to concerts at Velour and watch people dance awkwardly, and go on midnight walks, and play stupid games, and watch 2 star movies we know are going to be terrible, and make interesting foods, and do completely embarrassing things just because there is nothing else to do. I want friends who will come have dinner with me and hang out with me on the weekends and walk with me to class and meet up with me in the in-between.

The world doesn't hate me enough to withhold those people from me. So, you know what? I'm going to find them. That's my goal for this year. I am going to find a set group of friends. Like Friends or Awkward. or Dawson's Creek. We are going to have meet up places and common interests and I'll make up for all those things I missed out on in high school and junior high. 

I have the rest of forever to relish in my solitude, but I only have right now soak up my freshman-ness and make the most of this moment.

Wish me luck, world.

XOXO
- - - - -
E