A Not So Happy List: 108

Taken before shiz hit the fan. But strangely a semi-accurate portrayal of my life.

UGH YOU GUYS.  My life is anything BUT happy right now. In bulleted list format, here's what's going on:

- Trixie has a tumor by her liver and the stupid vet didn't give me a timeframe of how long she will live so I am freaking out. Hopefully by the time this is posted I will know. But please don't text/talk to me about it because I'm really sensitive about it right now and will probably start crying and make you feel uncomfortable.

- Jake is still job hunting and very stressed about what our finances will be like in New York. Which means I'm stressed that I'll have to live in the Bronx and get raped/murdered.

- I still don't know what my financial aid package is for NYU because they take their sweet time. If I don't get any scholarships/assistance it willl cost $70,000. So I've been applying like crazy to scholarships but have to wait at least a month to see if I get any of them.

- I'm also trying to find a job in New York, but basically need to be full time in the summer and then go down to part time when school starts.

- I'm still struggling with how to tell people that I'm dying/emotional and don't want to do social things. I always feel like they take it personal and get offended, and then I feel guilty for not going.

- Trying to sell both our cars, Jake's motorcycle, our furniture (luckily we don't have much left), and a bunch of other random crap like clothes, toasters, decorative pillows, etc.

And to put the cherry on top of all this, I was supposed to teach at my church today, but I didn't go because I've been constantly depressed/crying about Trixie's vet visit. I thought it was the other teacher's turn too, so I didn't get a substitute. I told the other teacher I wasn't going to be there, and then during the first hour (there are three hours) she told me that it was my turn to teach. All of the people who could have subbed were already there. My mom was home sick and Jake was teaching. So I started crying because I didn't know what to do and felt like there wasn't anyone to help me get the lesson taught to my kids. Jake told me that they would take care of it and to just calm down. I know it isn't a huge deal because they are only 3-4 and don't listen to the lesson anyway, but it just stressed me out so much and made me feel like a horrible teacher/church member. Like I was just abondoning my kids without even getting anyone to take my place. I still don't know what the other teacher ended up doing with them, but no one texted me so I guess it was fine. 

SO THAT'S HOW LIFE IS GOING. I have made so many videos and posts to explain of all this but whatever. It's not worth like, that much detail. Basically, life will be fine like it always is, but I am so far past my limits I just need to be alone with some comfort food and Law & Order. Some days are better than others, and honestly, the past few weeks I was doing so well. Then bam, Trixie's vet hit and it just made everything spin so far out of control. I just need to know what her timeline is to feel better. I hate the unknown stuff SO MUCH. 

So, I was debating whether I should even do a happy list because I'm not happy right now about life. Then I remembered that the whole point of these happy lists is to celebrate the small victories amongst all the stupid crap that happens. So, here goes. Happy list #108:

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Katherine's boyfriend made us an excel spreadsheet about New York budgeting, so now we know exactly what we can and can't afford. Which helps with apartment hunting and job hunting.

Seeing an old man take a road trip break with his lab in the parking lot of Scheel's.

Jake thought mexi fries were called "mexican fries" and ordered them like that.

Crest 5 minute whitening strips working wonders on my teeth.

Hitting 50 days without soda, and t-50 days to New York.

Our insurance covered all of my cavities.

Peeling dried mud mask off my face.

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I'm stopping at 7 because I don't feel like thinking about 3 more. But anyway, yeah. That's what's going on. Thanks to everyone who has been nice/understanding about giving me space. I'm tired of being scared about people overanalyzing/getting mad about what I say on this blog, so I'm turning back into what it used to be: a form of therapy haha.

XOXO

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E