It's almost been two weeks and I know no one cares, but here's an apology.
I'm sorry.
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It's 4:11 and the sun will rise in three hours, but I won't see it because I'm cleaning my room before cleaning checks at 10:00 am. I can feel vomit in my chest because all I ate on Thursday was a pack of Grandma's Chocolate Brownie Cookies and a bag of Sprees. I took three tests and failed one and I completely forgot I ate a Crunchwrap Supreme because all I can think about is how I'm going to get through finals week with Starbuck's breathing down my neck. I know it will end and I will regret not getting good grades, but at this point I just need Winter semester to start and the holiday season at work to end. I need 15 hours of work a week and 100% class attendance.
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It's not a big deal though. And I'm really not worried. At all. Maybe it's because I'm dating the greatest human and maybe it's because life is without problems at this moment. I can't exactly say for sure. The only thing I can say for certain is that I can't stop talking and interviewing people. And cliches aren't cliches when you are in them. And sometimes unexpected things happen. And sometimes you realize what it feels like to feel. I mean, to actually feel. Not to think you feel, or to want to feel so you fake it. I mean to actually feel the blood in your veins. To feel the way your stomach seems weightless at times. The way you zone out in the middle of singing Hallelujah. Shaking your arms in the air. Screaming as you run up the stairs. Sleeping until 10:47. Genuinely laughing at emoticons. Appreciating white walls. Watching YouTube videos of how to remove window screens. Trying to say something and realizing it's too important to ruin with a late night conversation.
You realize what it's like to feel all of that. You feel connected with the world, like you can talk to anyone and understand what they're feeling. You hate everything, because it doesn't matter to you anymore. Not in a depressing way, just in a I've-found-more-important-things way. And you learn to not get walked all over and you learn the importance of having a job. And you plan your life for a different college and a different city and you promise yourself you will never change your mind, because God has done good this time. He's listened and he's answered and you don't want to mess that up, but it's not even possible, so you don't need to worry.
And there are boys who hate you. Boys who don't talk to you. Boys who think you think you are too cool. But, in reality, you are just obsessed with Jake because he is hands down the greatest human to happen to your life. And you don't know how you feel about that. And you know people are going to read this, but Navy Taxi is playing so it gives you courage and makes you dumb.
Then, all of that ends. And I'm still sitting here in a room with white walls. My picture of me and Grandpa is in the bag I got from that one lady's garage sale and my toothbrush is probably the grossest thing in the entire bathroom. My eyes are slowly feeling the four shots of espresso and I'm done planning things, even though I know that's a lie. All that needs to happen is cleaning. Cleaning and organizing and listening to music. That's all that needs to happen. Finals aren't until next week and no one needs to pass school anyways.
I know I'll have a ticket. I just don't agree with their policies.
XOXO
- - - - -
I'm sorry.
- - - - -
It's 4:11 and the sun will rise in three hours, but I won't see it because I'm cleaning my room before cleaning checks at 10:00 am. I can feel vomit in my chest because all I ate on Thursday was a pack of Grandma's Chocolate Brownie Cookies and a bag of Sprees. I took three tests and failed one and I completely forgot I ate a Crunchwrap Supreme because all I can think about is how I'm going to get through finals week with Starbuck's breathing down my neck. I know it will end and I will regret not getting good grades, but at this point I just need Winter semester to start and the holiday season at work to end. I need 15 hours of work a week and 100% class attendance.
- - - - -
It's not a big deal though. And I'm really not worried. At all. Maybe it's because I'm dating the greatest human and maybe it's because life is without problems at this moment. I can't exactly say for sure. The only thing I can say for certain is that I can't stop talking and interviewing people. And cliches aren't cliches when you are in them. And sometimes unexpected things happen. And sometimes you realize what it feels like to feel. I mean, to actually feel. Not to think you feel, or to want to feel so you fake it. I mean to actually feel the blood in your veins. To feel the way your stomach seems weightless at times. The way you zone out in the middle of singing Hallelujah. Shaking your arms in the air. Screaming as you run up the stairs. Sleeping until 10:47. Genuinely laughing at emoticons. Appreciating white walls. Watching YouTube videos of how to remove window screens. Trying to say something and realizing it's too important to ruin with a late night conversation.
You realize what it's like to feel all of that. You feel connected with the world, like you can talk to anyone and understand what they're feeling. You hate everything, because it doesn't matter to you anymore. Not in a depressing way, just in a I've-found-more-important-things way. And you learn to not get walked all over and you learn the importance of having a job. And you plan your life for a different college and a different city and you promise yourself you will never change your mind, because God has done good this time. He's listened and he's answered and you don't want to mess that up, but it's not even possible, so you don't need to worry.
And there are boys who hate you. Boys who don't talk to you. Boys who think you think you are too cool. But, in reality, you are just obsessed with Jake because he is hands down the greatest human to happen to your life. And you don't know how you feel about that. And you know people are going to read this, but Navy Taxi is playing so it gives you courage and makes you dumb.
Then, all of that ends. And I'm still sitting here in a room with white walls. My picture of me and Grandpa is in the bag I got from that one lady's garage sale and my toothbrush is probably the grossest thing in the entire bathroom. My eyes are slowly feeling the four shots of espresso and I'm done planning things, even though I know that's a lie. All that needs to happen is cleaning. Cleaning and organizing and listening to music. That's all that needs to happen. Finals aren't until next week and no one needs to pass school anyways.
I know I'll have a ticket. I just don't agree with their policies.
XOXO
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